Only if you have time...

Psalm 116

¹ I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. ² Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. ³ The cords of death entangled me,the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. ⁴ Then I called on the name of the LORD : "O LORD, save me!" ⁵ The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. ⁶ The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. ⁷ Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. ⁸ For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,my eyes from tears,my feet from stumbling, ⁹ that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living.¹⁰ I believed; therefore I said, "I am greatly afflicted." ¹¹ And in my dismay I said, "All men are liars." ¹² How can I repay the LORD for all his goodness to me? ¹³ I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD. ¹⁴ I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people. ¹⁵ Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints. ¹⁶ O LORD, truly I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant; you have freed me from my chains. ¹⁷ I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the LORD. ¹⁸ I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people, ¹⁹ in the courts of the house of the LORD—in your midst, O Jerusalem. Praise the LORD.

As we begin this new year, I have many things crowding my heart. I long for a fresh start. In my human mind, this fresh start would include a job for my husband and a place to live that does not have a sign in the front yard. A lack of job and the presence of a sign have caused a bitterness to crowd into my heart that I hate. It is wrong; it is sin. I know that these things do not make me do anything. Bitterness is always a choice, but these realities have given me publicly-recognized permission to be mad. A permission that I have justified WAY TOO LONG. Instead of recognizing it as sin and asking for forgiveness, I have denied it and blamed it on other things. As a woman, I have often claimed mommy-fatigue or hormones. There might be some element of truth but not as much as I have hidden in my heart.

I am longing to be real. I am crying out to be released and feel freedom from this pain I have brought to myself because of the sin I am clinging to.

As a follower of Christ for 20 years now, I know how to walk the walk and give the right answers when I am asked the questions. I am quite versed in encouragement and Godly advice when it applies to someone else's life or painful situation. In my brain, I truly believe these truths I speak. But, because of my sheltered life and my desire for comfort, I have never been pressed to live these truths out in the harsh side of life. I have always had it easy. I guess if you really examined my life, you could say I still do. However, I have been living in a season where a different element of trust has been required of me. In a whisper I will admit I am failing miserably. This is where my bitter heart peeks out from hiding. What I see disgusts me. What my heart feels, even while I am praying the right words out loud, saddens me.

I will painstakingly admit, I have been mad at God. I have been upset that He allowed discomfort in the life I was living. I like having nice things and having earthly stability. I like looking pretty and having the family that looks all together. I have been guilty of putting my confidence in the things of this world. It is humbling and embarrassing to write this, but I was upset that my system and plans had been upset.

It came to my realization that I enjoy Bible study and church, but I also enjoy having friends in those times and being in ministry with people I like and they like me. I am not saying that I think fellowship or friends is wrong. They are both God-given blessings. I think I am saying that I was putting too much emphasis on my comfort in ministry.

Today at church, it was the Sunday for communion. A time to remember the faithfulness of God and to ask for forgiveness for our sins. Two things that I needed. Two things that would quench my dry heart and put me right back where I needed to be. Psalm 116 (at the top of this page) was read and I started really analyzing where I was against where I knew I should be. Sometimes in the secret, I feel like God is not answering me. But then I stop... Am I listening for how He is answering or am I getting angry because He is not answering how I think He should? Am I crying out for His mercy or am I crying out for my material comforts to be met? Am I truly trusting Him to provide for the babies He has given me or am I angry that He is not on my time table?

With these realizations coming to light, I am done with the anger and the choosing to stress about things that I am not in charge of. God promises that when I am in great need, He will save me. I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of His people, which will start in my home. No one, especially my husband and my children, benefits from my bitterness that turns little things into huge upsets. I will choose to rest my soul in God alone, knowing He will take care of us and we will praise Him. When I am bitter and not trusting, I am saying that God is not doing His job and what He is giving me is not enough. This is sin. This is my need for forgiveness.

So this new year, I am going to start by falling in front of my Savior. I need saving from my sins and I need saving from the mountains that stand in front of me. But this is not a need to be upset. This is a need to remember that my God is mighty to save and He can move mountains. He conquered the grave. ^"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live."

Now that I have written this very long and painfully honest blog entry, my problems are not vanished. I stand forgiven, this is true. I also stand very vulnerable to Satan's attacks. It is very easy to fall back into sin. We are still waiting for God to answer about Josh's job and our house. As you have been so faithful in praying for those things, I ask now that you would pray for me also. Pray that in every part of my being, I would love the LORD and call upon Him as long as I live.